Creed Viking Eau de Parfum - $435.00

This luxuriously crafted fragrance with notes of Sicilian lemon, pink pepper, Indian patchouli, and Haitian vetiver is about as far from "authentic rocker grime" as possible—yet somehow perfectly encapsulates Dusty's contradiction of trying desperately to look like he's not trying at all.

The Behind-The-Scenes Truth: After his failed Jim Morrison audition, Dusty spent $5,200 on an "olfactory consultant" who convinced him that true rock authenticity comes from "subverting fragrance expectations." This led him to Creed, where he selected their most expensive bottle while loudly explaining to the bewildered sales associate that Jim Morrison "would have worn this if he had access to it."

The absurd irony is that despite spending nearly half a grand on a fragrance to smell "authentically dirty," it actually works for him. Women at ComicCon genuinely swoon when he approaches, and casting directors who previously dismissed him as "trying too hard" now describe him as having "unexpectedly complex layers."

Dusty attributes this success to his "rock star energy activation techniques," completely missing that he simply smells incredible thanks to professional perfumers who spent decades crafting the scent. His fragrance diary (yes, he keeps one) includes detailed notes about which signature moves release which "scent nodes," a concept he entirely invented but speaks about with absolute conviction.

Pro tip: At $435 a bottle, this fragrance might be the most honest thing in Dusty's ensemble—it's exactly as expensive and carefully crafted as it claims to be, unlike its wearer's "effortless" rock persona.

CREED Viking | Bloomingdale's